Harassing Relationship Help – Why You Don’t Ask For What You Want In Abusive Associations
Why is it that the things you want the most are the toughest to ask for from your partner? In domestic mistreatment therapy, I see people come into treatment knowing what they want using their partner and intentionally avoiding directly asking for it coming from him/her.
It’s like… if they don’t inquire, they don’t have to be concerned about the rejection they may feel in not getting what they request. So , instead they hide behind holding their fantasy that their partner should know “the want” and “the how” of their wants.
What You Don’t Ask for, You Probably Refuses to Get
If you don’t make it clear what you want and need coming from another person, they simply may not know. They will remain in the dark and you will remain unfulfilled. True you will not have to deal with rejection; instead you will remain in the void of disenchantment.
In harassing relationships, this tendency is usually even more complicated by the dynamics of battering. Here’s how the abuse dynamics keep couples stuck in not knowing each other’s wants.
The Absence of Asking in Harassing Relationships
1) The victim won’t reveal his or her own personal needs because there is typically a price to get doing that. Remember, their needs are to satisfy those of the batterer. This is one of the important “rules of engagement” in an abusive relationship.
2) The abuser doesn’t really know the victim because they remain concealed behind the facade of being what they think the abuser wants them to be. This is one of the primary survival tactics in an abusive relationship.
3) Need fulfillment goes in 1 direction: coming from victim to abuser. This is actually the fundamental motif in the unequal distribution of power and control in an abusive relationship. The abuser uses battering to control need satisfaction. And the victim avoids battering via compliance.
4) Asking is a ridiculous concept in an abusive relationship. The victim “withholds, ” and the abuser “demands. ” So when all is said and done amidst the dynamics of abusive associations, there is no room for “asking. ”
Lessons on Asking for Couples in Harassing Relationships
When individuals in harassing relationships cultivate habits of hearing within and listening beyond, new doors open and the mistreatment dynamics weaken. Now I realize that this noises simplistic, but so are many things in life that have a huge impact.
Training yourself to hear your hearts wants is a important breakthrough step for many victims in harassing relationships. After which realizing that you are not responsible for the outcome of expressing your obtain takes you 1 step further.
Around the flip-side, because the dominating controlling partner comes to see that they are accountable for their experience, they realize that no one else can make you do, say or feel as you do. In this knowing is the listening for exactly what is stirring within… and from here, is the asking for what you need and want coming from another.
The lessons people learn about asking for what they want have the potential to dismantle the hardened habitual battering dynamics in several abusive associations. If you are in an abusive relationship and strive to break the routine of harassing control, seek to discover the power of asking for what you want.