An additional Abusive Relationship – So why Do You Get Into The Same Kind Of Relationship, Again And Again?
I’m frequently asked the question, “Why should i seem to get into the same relationship, over and over? ” This is a monumental inquiry and essential to all those departing an harassing relationship.
Lesson Learned or Unearned?
You think that when you leave an abusive relationship, your lessons regarding household abuse are well learned. However, you find yourself entangled with individuals that play many of the same control games as you experienced with the abuser that you left.
The thing is the power and control mechanics in play and ponder how do you get here… and what can you do about it? You’re a bit perplexed because you truly believe that you have evolved over and above being someone’s victim. However , there are people in your life who lengthy to again you into their corner and hold you under their particular thumb.
I think it really is part of life to encounter people that naturally socialize through electrical power and control dynamics. They may do this unconsciously or intentionally or both. You may spot the mechanics before you are too far entangled to “see the forest to get the trees and shrubs. ” And should that be the case, count number your blessings as you have learned some important preliminary lessons about staying away from another harassing relationship.
To Leave or to Stay
You know you are not up for another harassing relationship, so your instinct is to exit. And if you really learned your lessons, you may realize that the most secure way to exit is quickly and quietly. Doing so is usually your choice.
However , you may be in a relationship that is not one that you wish to just surrender … because it is your own flesh and blood. And your compassionate side seeks to surround the discord with your understanding and like.
Yet this does not imply you are prepared to indulge in an additional abusive relationship. Since you have learned your lessons, you refuse to enable the same dynamics that sent you running last time. What exactly do you do?
Can Abusers Modify?
At the core of your becoming, you hold the belief that once an abuser, usually an abuser. And you understand how silly it was of you to think you could change your former abusive partner.
Yet something is diverse now. What is it? Maybe you know your don’t have to reflexively play the version of this mistreatment dynamic. And you reach for the wisdom within to share with this person to help you break the routine. Can that be done?
Some people will tell you that this cannot be done. Others will tell you that change is always possible, if a person wants change to get himself or herself.
I was a firm believer that people have the capacity to modify, if they authentically look for something besides what they are going through and creating. That being said, what can you do to inspire breaking the cycle of abuse and interrupt the control mechanics in play?
Modify Starts from Within
You are quick to recognize the whole gamete of battering tactics used to establish and maintain an unequal circulation of electrical power in the relationship. For example , parenthetically that you encounter the control tactic called “gas-lighting. ” This person is usually telling you something occurred despite your knowing it did not.
When you reject the notion, you are badgered additional with a verbal rant regarding your cognitive skills or your moral concepts. It continues and on until you begin to question your own storage. But lucky for you, the light comes on and your memory acts you well. You know your truth and suddenly the thing is the control tactic in play. What do you do?
You may be the old you and agree to buy this person’s perspective so as to avoid the effects of posing your objection. Be mindful that doing this is actually a ticket into deepening the developing mistreatment dynamic.
Or, you could state your truth without being attached to the outcome. Your job is usually not to convert the person to your way of thinking. Instead, you seek to clarify your truth and merely discuss it, as you know it to become.
In case you seriously fear the consequences of doing this, you could state that as well, along with your current feelings about being entangled in a powerful that fails to honor and respect who and what you are. This is faultlessly communicated when you ask for what you want… what you require in this instant from that person.
Fighting the Bully and Saving Your Soul
Right now, I was not saying you will want to jump into the band with every bully that comes your way. There are those that reek danger no matter what. If you think that you are interacting with someone for whom change is achievable, you could foster a secure setting in which to speak your truth.
This may be in the presence of the trained professional that is familiar with abuse mechanics or a trusted family member or friend. Nonetheless, your mission ensues… you will not be battered again by an additional.
If the person hears you, then you are probably dealing with someone who, too, wants to modify. Should that be the case, you have set in motion new path for this relationship.
In the event that that is not the case, and your truth falls on deaf ear or inauthentic “understanding, ” expect the control mechanics to remain undamaged… if you choose to play the part. Another option would be that you pursue an unexpected detour and leave one hand clapping. That is, you withdraw meeting the person with your resistance and instead leave them— in pursuit of control— by itself, all by themselves.